Journal entries, feedback and reviews
Peer Review from Sue
project_report_6_bethany.docx | |
File Size: | 22 kb |
File Type: | docx |
The above was a reading from a year before, it didn't make much sense then, but bloody hell does it now. I've learnt my lesson.
A lot has happened these last few months. Deep learning, how to listen to this and move forward with it...
Revalued myself. Built an autumn bonfire. outside influences, on what you achieve, of how people treat you. Nothing. It’s about accepting yourself through anything, no matter what.
I care, I want to be useful I want to learn learn learn to connect and to create. But I have stunted myself in this through my conditional acceptance of myself, a judgement every second about the value of my actions. So self acceptance is the only way. The thing about these diploma projects is that I am trying to put myself into the world, to say I do this, I am passionate about this let me do something. But the fear of how I am received, if I am to be rejected or seen to be not good enough tells me not to even try. So this diploma is a constant challenge to these beliefs. I have learnt the hard way this year. Deflecting my lack of self acceptance by blaming someone else for holding me back. A massive mistake. I wont forget this in a hurry now.
Essentially, I realize that it all just moves and flows, what I feel to be true today almost certainly wont be the same next week, it's crazy. And we have an amazing ability to trick ourselves, to believe things to be true. I thought I needed to get away from this, I thought this type of living was a struggle in a way that I had never pre-empted. Like, if I had have previewd the world before I was born I would have thought, yeah, ok, the challenges will be physical, easy to deal with, bring it on! But it's far subtler, it's a mental challenge, and it's all inside our heads, inside our bodies. My challenge is self acceptance. And now I understand that it's not about trying to battle this, trying to escape, but to fully settle into self, into these subtleties, watch them come and go...use them for useful things...but truly be in self. I don't want out, this isn't going to last for long anyway. I realize I am wrong so much of the time, make so many 'mistakes' and I like that, it confirms I'm not stagnant. Books, people, ideas, realisations come up, and I used to think each of these was the one, the overarching thing to solve all my confusions. And actually, I really feel now that this is a journey, it's not over, the discovery, the mistakes, the learning; until the last breath.
Other things...
Look at my website for other creative work this month... sign writing and little doodles for friends...