Life Review
-What have been the most meaningful and powerful experiences of your life so far?
-How have they shaped you?
-How did you un/learn from these?
Meaningful and powerful to me, are words with positive connotations; but at first thought all that comes to mind when reflecting on this question are the most difficult and painful moments. These unhappy moments though, seem to be the making of me to a far more powerful extent than the happy times. This is because their power stretched far beyond the event to form new understandings and learning’s in me that I am now very happy to own. But there was a time in fact, when I believed that sadness was my access point to meaningful connection with life. This is a pattern of the past thankfully, that has lead me to who I am now, holding the belief that I can create my own powerful experiences through positive actions, and conscious response. Every step had its place, and I am about to see what clues I can gather of how to proceed from here.
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My experience of growing up in a farming family is the backdrop to all I am. It’s difficult even to explain why, or how it shows through me but, a lady once said to me that when you grow up in the country you will always carry the fields and streams with you. I certainly agree. I became observant and respectful of nature, and because of my close friendship with my siblings, the urge to share the joy of this with others. I knew my wild surroundings like a friend, down to the tiny details, and through all my senses. Understanding sky as a feeling, the journey through the barn as a challenge, the tall trees as kings. The smells of tractor, dairy and plants, the sound of harvest, the bits and bobs in little hidey places in sheds, under bushes and in dens. I knew all these things not through words but through my being, exploring my ontology, and my world. I knew it all as live, as energy. |
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I only began to realize the importance of this when connection seemed to become loose, and I felt a sense of loss. Through, I don’t know, fears, society and a learned emphasis on human beings being so important maybe. I felt a deep longing for my childhood. This realization came in my late teens with my discovery of high awareness in art and spiritual teachings. These reminded me of connectedness and ritual, and how integral this had been when young. I was able to release attachment to my childhood and begin to re-member my joyful experience of the world around me, -an explorer again. |
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Though I spent much time alone, the farm was also very much about togetherness. The love for the place was shared. Ritual was very present in our lives, in gathering, eating, preparations and observations. The turning of the seasons brought routine and the inherent appreciation that comes with lifestyle being subject to the environment. I learned by play; imagination and freedom to explore possibilities. By people saying yes, and by being involved, learning from the big ones and having a place. By being able to repeat and observe. I had time, creativity and at the best of times, little fear of being ‘wrong’. I learned through connection and community; through routines, a love for each other and a shared journey. |
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The farm was sold when I was 14. This very sad process made me realize how lucky I had been. It also began my process of learning about the effects of modern agriculture. I chose to do my GCSE geography project on reasons for the decline of small farms. It lead in the next ten years to a dream of helping to restore a compassionate understanding of our place in, and treatment of the world. I learned by loss and appreciation, as often is the way, and also through the astute respect for nature from in my grandparents and parents. |
My siblings an I still sharing play…the yearly ritual of dressing up for Lewes bonfire night. The best night of the year!!
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At the age of 9 our mum left, this began a long and transformative experience for me, beginning with my (miss)perception at this time that I wasn’t wanted or good enough for the world. The following teenage years were strong emotions, confusion, and highs of discovery. I grew a strength and wisdom from spending a lot of time with my father and having more independence than I may have otherwise experienced. I had choices balanced with a discipline through my ingrained morels. A hard part of this strengthening process was being the support for my mum as she struggled with love and life change. However this created an emotional maturity in me that I am hugely grateful for. Along with a very strong bond with my mother and an understanding of her spiritual path that inspired my own. My parents certainly each fill very different criteria and I feel like I am very lucky to have been the youngest and so get a good influence from both. |
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My time in secondary school was alive with feelings of inspiration from learning, injustice from authority (always having a feeling inside me that formal education was lacking emotions and the question, “what do YOU want/think?”) silliness (being the funny one tended to be my niche for attention) and the heart pounding extremities of falling in love at 13 (with the same man till this day.) The latter very much shaped me, along with, my discovery of theatre. I found a passion at 14 for singing, movement and acting, and the power it held. But there was a problem; the confidence I had brimmed with at 8 had been replaced with a great fear. This dichotomy between joy and nerves created a tension for a very interesting learning journey. |
Play devised around Peer Gynt, 2003
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Each performance was step towards my realization of self-in-world and confidence, but I really had to push myself. My learning here contributed to my spiritual development too, with my understanding of presence and the sacred coming through the theory and practice of art. Performance is a liminal space, a moment when everything is one and alive, buzzing with it’s own energy and filling the heart and senses. Performance has come to mean a powerful transformative experience both in my long-term development but also in that specific moment of time, in the high-energy instant of recreation and imagination, for myself and importantly -I hope, -others. |
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I was able to un-learn my beliefs that I had formed about failure. Theatre was my medium of choice for expression and healing, for bringing me onward in my self-belief, always with a strong conviction in its power. I was able to turn performance from a thing that made me feel nauseous at the thought of it, to a craft that I am competent at and able to fully feel it’s joy and it’s potential. Being comfortable in performing I have moved to a new challenge; the desire to use theatre as a medium for social change, on both communal and internal levels of others. I studied Contemporary theatre at university and have moved into devising, a method of theatre making that has mobility to tackle problems as well as entertain. I’m on a new quest and glad to have brought the focus out of myself and put my passion to use. |
Catoptrics, 2008
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The Man of Mode, 2004
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I learned confidence, through practice- being pushed to go through with things- but for the most part through inspirational mentors who (to my surprise) believed in me. The times when I was told I wasn’t good enough by others, and myself, I was encouraged onwards by grown-ups, and that gives huge comfort. It feels very satisfying to know that this ancient relationship of young person and mentor is still honored.
My drama teacher didn’t think I had any talent, and this upset and gave me energy too. Believing in me my mum sent me to extra drama lessons, this was a great support and in a way I’m glad I had someone to prove wrong. In A-level we created some full-mark scoring pieces and I got the lead role in Electra. On leaving my drama teacher asked me to join her theatre company, could this mean I’m actually ok at this? |
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Still with the nerves I got a role in Brighton Youth Theatre, it was run by highly trained and hugely caring (Hollywood!) actors. I learned to drive, was a runner for professional shows, and met Daniel again after two years, he had a flat with constant parties; I was in love and my confidence was growing. A year of this ended with a lead role in an intense play, and I was worked hard to evoke some very harrowing emotions and scenes. I was being cogently urged to go to university by my father rather than stay around in the life I had, and this was one of my big decisions in life. I chose a University close to Daniel and the day after the final performance, with a downer, I headed off to uni, away from Daniel and that year, crying as deliriously as my character had. |
2005
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At university I didn’t interact much and spent a lot of time alone. Somewhere along the line I had developed the feeling that everyone was talking about things that really didn’t matter and avoiding the reality of life. The first three years at university were a release into the world and, I know now, a time of inner gloom at the realization of sadness in the world in sharp contrast to the love I felt for life and love for another. I felt a despair in the new knowledge I was gaining, wondering about my place in the world. I had confusion with this establishment (Uni) that was both enlightening and also part of the social conveyor belt. Daniel and I wrote letters upon letters, and spent hours in phone booths. We fueled each other’s contempt for the commercial mindset and indulged in artistic visions of sad beauty. We learned about capitalism and became frustrated with postmodernism and the full stop reality that seemed to be accepted socially. |
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At the end of the second year, a friend who had a deep soul connection with Daniel committed suicide. What followed was a complex maze of events and emotions. The next four years contained long and short periods of joy and ripping sadness. Of time together and apart.
Depression is a dis-ease that can create a huge veil, make a person act unrecognizably and push away people they love the most. It can be hugely difficult being in love these people and see no sign of them there. The same happened to my best friend at university, and the worry for them, not to mention the inner confusion with feeling needed yet unwanted, was heavy. I learned so much from these experiences, and out of them began to emerge a new phase of my life. One in which I began to take control. |
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I got close to loss in different forms and became acutely aware of my mortality. I felt I was living with the window open, everything so vivid, beautiful and unbearable at the same time, the flexibility of reality and the delicate temporality of everything. A see-saw between immense gratitude and the futility of it all. |
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Through all this -to my surprise- I was able to achieve at the same time. Be in performances, make good work and get good jobs. Something took over in ‘carry on’ mentality, and I felt less afraid. I grabbed hold of the islands that I found in creativity and creating direction for myself, and control became my savior in a way. I began to plan for constructive and enjoyable experiences. |
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'The Adventures of Justice Patrol!' 2008
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This really came to its own when I began my MA. I had control of my own path, and a chance to really show what I was made of, creatively and practically, after three years of feeling my ideas brewing under the surface. Through my final dissertation I was able to show my theory through less formal and more emotional means, and unlike other theatre work, I was marked completely for me. It’s the most meaningful number I’ve received, because I put my real self into it more than any other academic work, happily the number was a first. This learning happened through having control over my investigations and being able to mix the theory with my individual philosophizing, I loved it. I was excited by current practitioners and issues, and by investigation into what could touch people the most; a constant interest of mine. Then practically trying out work and evaluating it. |
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A really important part of this was the documenting. Not only as a way of learning but the process is fulfilling and creative in its own right. It helps me frame the moment and heightens my sense of presence and appreciation for it; in short makes me feel more alive about my actions. I use writing, drawing, video and photographs. This is something to take into account with my future work, to find a place for it ,as it aids my learning. |
A document of an experiment in a sensory performance, MA year
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Daniel and I felt the transition from University to ‘freedom’ set in like a bruze. Capitalism had always filled me with immense frustrating sadness. Is this what we’re made for? Are we supposed to play along? See only our feet?
The city was not healthy, and our relationship suffered. The cloud fell on Daniel again, and he left for Thailand. I went alone to France and healed with green landscapes, kind people and perspectives. I realized here that I had always had a positive personality and the ability to feel grateful and awed by life; I counted that as one of my qualities and it carried me through. |
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I began to internalize a thought I had been having for some time, that making a change is about positive action and present appreciation, not complaining about the negative. I felt I had moved through a place of self disempowerment to a decision to be “the change you want to see in the world”. As Gandhi said.
What's more, I thought I had been weak to not leave people alone, even when they were pushing me away, but realized this was great strength, to hold on despite and see the truth in people. |
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So a great part of my learning has been about myself through others, especially through the push pull emotions in close relationships. Through trial, error and advice, I realized some invaluable lessons. By looking at what I was doing and feeling in relation to Daniel and then trying to put myself in a state of clarity and fearlessness, I was able to continually work on my less positive learned responses and understandings. I was able to give Daniel back to the world with love, knowing that I was a good person in and of myself, and deserve to be here, despite who wants to be around me.
Slowly along the way I had realized that I carried with me a large underlying belief that I needed the fear of not being wanted. This realization helped me to see the damaging effect my subconscious actions were having on my relationships and daily interactions. Conscious observations of myself, emotions and actions enabled me to see patterns in my behavior and reasons for them, and let go of fears. |
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These observations were and ongoing process beginning from about age 20 when I had EFT; a healing technique. I began to realize the perceptions I had assumed as truth when I was young were now ingrained subconscious beliefs that affected my life substantially, and reared their head in many situations affecting my ability to progress in life most effectively.
These beliefs were miss-formed because I really didn’t understand situations being so young,-for example my mum leaving had nothing to do with how good I was as a person, but with what she as an individual needed. I began to realize through more reading, the power of miss/perception and the flexibility of our world through beliefs. I began to develop methods to keep aware of destructive patterns, and in some areas, change my thinking through logic, writing, EFT and visualizations. Developing my sensitivity to mine and others needs. These have been invaluable un-learning tools. |
An observation of my posture and relation to my self belief, and a plan to correct this.
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A change seen in myself after my PDC! My situation back in London completely contradicted my newly acquired knowledge and feeling of intention. I quit my job and moved on.
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I am now working on organic farms and community permaculture schemes around England. With Daniel, both in a positive space in the new stage of our journey and designing for a productive future. |
Do you recognize patterns in your un/learnings? There seems to be a pattern of situations under which I learn well. Through;
§ Play, imagination
§ Freedom to explore. Having a place, time, creativity. Choices in my investigations. Practically trying out work and evaluating.
§ Role models.
§ Appreciation. Ritual, a love for each other and a shared journey. Through others self and other in close relationships and social sphere. Supporting others
§ Balance of logic and emotion. Understanding of presence and the sacred coming through the theory books etc mixing the theory with my individual development
§ Discussions with others, working things through
There is also the pattern that I learn most when I am in a state of discomfort that tells me I need to change. I like problem solving. So setting myself tasks that I feel an emotional imperative involved would be helpful.
I learn a lot in situations that push me socially, because of the feeling of accomplishment I get from overcoming lack of confidence. So working in connections would push me to learn.
In terms of physical and technical learning, I develop best in groups or under a mentor.
These are things that enhance my learning and so I need to actively involve them into my A.L.P to get maximum leverage.
What decisions have you made in your life to lead you to where you are today?
Deciding to take theatre instead of art at GCSE
Deciding to meet up with Daniel after college
Deciding to go to university Deciding to hold on
Deciding to apply to a art activism course that introduced me to permaculture
Deciding to do my PDC and diploma
In what way is your life unfolding to your satisfaction?
I am pleased that I am able to be living lightly, my life involves minimal purchases and possessions, which, after living in London where this totally jarred with me, is hugely satisfying. I am spending a lot of time in nature and calm connected places, observing natural cycles and becoming more like my younger self who sees the life, patterns and energy in all things. Sharing other people’s lifestyles and being of use in something they believe in has been something I have been doing for a few years now. I feel like I am building the connections, knowledge, confidence and wider understanding that will help me welcome many people into a place of my own with a warm heart in the future. I’m so thankful to be meeting inspiring people and being handed opportunities. I am extending the complexity of my life through new models of understanding and learning through my diploma how to apply my energy and individuality for the maximum effect and this is really exciting. I am sharing my life with Daniel in a way that is interweaving, aspiring and full of laughs.
What might be some of your best next career directions, and why?
Before I answer this question now seems like a good point at which to look at my skill flex and put this within quadrant theory. In this way I can generate ideas for my future career moves that build on my skill base and also push me in directions I need to go in order to create balance in my life.
Please see Appendix number 1 for how I worked towards this next stage.
At the moment, I am trained in theatre but do not feel have a ‘trade’ so to speak. I am well trained in catering and licensed trade but want to move away from that now. So this is a predicament. I want to have something to offer, so that I can eventually settle in a place, and as living costs, and I would like to be doing something I love to support this. So I will be living lightly and alternatively whilst I learn skills that I can use confidently for the life I love.
My next steps will be seeking out people and places I can learn practical skills from, as well as learning from books, workshops and mentors. I also need to put myself in positions where I can get to know people and places to offer my skills to and get out there and organize some practice. It is likely that these should be in the form of planning, delivering messages, inspiring ideas and offering service, as that is what I have observed I enjoy. I can see from my life review that my focus will be based in permaculture, art and community, with the overarching aim of connectedness. Whether I should approach learning about these things separately or together is something to think about.
I am not sure about one particular career direction. I would like many outputs and skill sets. But I do need a focus in order to create something rather than flit from one thing to another, something that ties all my interests together in a way that works economically. Perhaps that would be offering a design service or workshops. I would like to start to work for myself, but to do this I need to believe that I have something valuable to offer. And this means work on zone 00.
What are your questions? Do you have any sacred questions that you live by?
My biggest question is, how can be of most use to my world and live as happily as possible?
Can I bring to myself what I want through positive intention?
I ask about outer health being signs of inner, am I doing something about this, in myself and others.
What is the best thing I could do for other people, animals, plants and systems?
What is my blockage against giving more attention to the subtle energies, colours and feelings that I notice.
This has been a really useful tool, part of a process that has enabled me to observe what is already there and feel great gratitude for my resources and my closest resource of all, myself. Also I can look to my projected quadrent when deciding on designs and see which areas I could utilize or develop in them. My decisions of designs will be informed by the skills/ capacities I would like to push. Could a few of these be helpful and pushed for multipul functions and outputs? This is to be looked at in my workings for my action learning pathway. This comes next!
(3,807 words)
§ Play, imagination
§ Freedom to explore. Having a place, time, creativity. Choices in my investigations. Practically trying out work and evaluating.
§ Role models.
§ Appreciation. Ritual, a love for each other and a shared journey. Through others self and other in close relationships and social sphere. Supporting others
- Theatre, documenting. Writing, drawing, video and photographs.
- Practice- being pushed to go through with things, new situations
§ Balance of logic and emotion. Understanding of presence and the sacred coming through the theory books etc mixing the theory with my individual development
§ Discussions with others, working things through
There is also the pattern that I learn most when I am in a state of discomfort that tells me I need to change. I like problem solving. So setting myself tasks that I feel an emotional imperative involved would be helpful.
I learn a lot in situations that push me socially, because of the feeling of accomplishment I get from overcoming lack of confidence. So working in connections would push me to learn.
In terms of physical and technical learning, I develop best in groups or under a mentor.
These are things that enhance my learning and so I need to actively involve them into my A.L.P to get maximum leverage.
What decisions have you made in your life to lead you to where you are today?
Deciding to take theatre instead of art at GCSE
Deciding to meet up with Daniel after college
Deciding to go to university Deciding to hold on
Deciding to apply to a art activism course that introduced me to permaculture
Deciding to do my PDC and diploma
In what way is your life unfolding to your satisfaction?
I am pleased that I am able to be living lightly, my life involves minimal purchases and possessions, which, after living in London where this totally jarred with me, is hugely satisfying. I am spending a lot of time in nature and calm connected places, observing natural cycles and becoming more like my younger self who sees the life, patterns and energy in all things. Sharing other people’s lifestyles and being of use in something they believe in has been something I have been doing for a few years now. I feel like I am building the connections, knowledge, confidence and wider understanding that will help me welcome many people into a place of my own with a warm heart in the future. I’m so thankful to be meeting inspiring people and being handed opportunities. I am extending the complexity of my life through new models of understanding and learning through my diploma how to apply my energy and individuality for the maximum effect and this is really exciting. I am sharing my life with Daniel in a way that is interweaving, aspiring and full of laughs.
What might be some of your best next career directions, and why?
Before I answer this question now seems like a good point at which to look at my skill flex and put this within quadrant theory. In this way I can generate ideas for my future career moves that build on my skill base and also push me in directions I need to go in order to create balance in my life.
Please see Appendix number 1 for how I worked towards this next stage.
At the moment, I am trained in theatre but do not feel have a ‘trade’ so to speak. I am well trained in catering and licensed trade but want to move away from that now. So this is a predicament. I want to have something to offer, so that I can eventually settle in a place, and as living costs, and I would like to be doing something I love to support this. So I will be living lightly and alternatively whilst I learn skills that I can use confidently for the life I love.
My next steps will be seeking out people and places I can learn practical skills from, as well as learning from books, workshops and mentors. I also need to put myself in positions where I can get to know people and places to offer my skills to and get out there and organize some practice. It is likely that these should be in the form of planning, delivering messages, inspiring ideas and offering service, as that is what I have observed I enjoy. I can see from my life review that my focus will be based in permaculture, art and community, with the overarching aim of connectedness. Whether I should approach learning about these things separately or together is something to think about.
I am not sure about one particular career direction. I would like many outputs and skill sets. But I do need a focus in order to create something rather than flit from one thing to another, something that ties all my interests together in a way that works economically. Perhaps that would be offering a design service or workshops. I would like to start to work for myself, but to do this I need to believe that I have something valuable to offer. And this means work on zone 00.
What are your questions? Do you have any sacred questions that you live by?
My biggest question is, how can be of most use to my world and live as happily as possible?
Can I bring to myself what I want through positive intention?
I ask about outer health being signs of inner, am I doing something about this, in myself and others.
What is the best thing I could do for other people, animals, plants and systems?
What is my blockage against giving more attention to the subtle energies, colours and feelings that I notice.
This has been a really useful tool, part of a process that has enabled me to observe what is already there and feel great gratitude for my resources and my closest resource of all, myself. Also I can look to my projected quadrent when deciding on designs and see which areas I could utilize or develop in them. My decisions of designs will be informed by the skills/ capacities I would like to push. Could a few of these be helpful and pushed for multipul functions and outputs? This is to be looked at in my workings for my action learning pathway. This comes next!
(3,807 words)
